Hello xanga.

I think I'll be back for a while.  Being married and living in League City is ...sudden and life changing.  Didn't see this one coming.   It's good to find the One you were beginning to think didn't exist.  It's good to be able to live in that every day and make it real.  But we miss you, community.  We think of you alot and we miss you.

It's become very difficult to find free things to do here.  Even surfing has taken on the price of the gas it takes to get there and back... which is saddening, but not defeating.   Waco, it seems, was alive on so many more levels than I realized while I was there.  I am sorry that our last meeting didn't last.  That I faked it and gave myself to Dallas instead.   I wish we had more time to play outside.

I'm happy to work and earn my meals, but I do still have a childish wish that someone will see me and think I'm worth hiring to travel around and take pictures and make art and write poems...That someone will respect me even when I wear my favorite clothes and listen to my favorite music and don't fix my hair.   I haven't quite found that here yet.  Maybe I should stop expecting everywhere to be Waco.  Or stop trying to make everywhere Waco.  

Current job aspirations - make interesting plug earrings and sell them to a local boutique or two.  
Register myself as a dreadlock-er with Knotty Boy.com and work out of a friend's salon.
Nanny three to five days a week, 8-4 for a five year old and a new born.
Edit photos at random for freelance money.
Create real positive change.  Contribute real positive ideas.
Be given money enough to live on and help others live on just for thinking the way I think.
Not being afraid to think the way I think - outloud.

Goal for the week:  Stop being so afraid of not being hired that I allow potential employers to determine anything about me.  Learn a confidence that gains it's strength from humility.  I've never been too confident.  I always fake it.

Why was I an art major if I am not an artist?
If I am an artist, why don't I feel like it?

so. if anyone wants to buy a sweet VW van, I've got one for sale... cheap.
let me know.

So, I've been thinking.  About alot, lately, ...and I've decided a few things, I think.  Or at least, I'd like to decide these things.  But I believe that decision requires action for proof...so I'm waiting to prove myself.  
I've decided to become part of something important.  Something that is moving in the world and making positive changes.  I've decided to give up certain securities I think I need for this thing, once I find it.  I've decided that benefits and tips are nice, but they are not my life.  I will not let them be.  They don't own me.
I've decided to be concerned with more substantial and eternal things, in general.  That I won't let my life and conversations be made up of who said what, or did what, or ate what anymore.   I miss real conversation, and I don't know how it came to me so easily before... but I am determined to find that kind of community again, or suffer isolation the rest of my life (with the exception of Edward, of course).  I'm tired of being trite because my environment is trite.  I'm tired of wondering how my friends are because I get too busy with putting gas in my car and sleeping and buying food to call them and ask.   The THINGS in life are keeping me from living my life.  Therefore, something is wrong. Therefore, something must change.   My spirit is hurting, here.  It's not fulfilled or fulfilling anyone or anything else.  Coffee isn't going to contribute real positive change to the world.  If I want to contribute REAL positive change to the world, I'm going to have to decide that some things are just much, much less important than others.  And put those other things first, and trash the rest of the crap that clogs my pipes, my spirit, my joy.
I don't remember the last time I really laughed until it hurt, because my soul was jumping inside of me...
and there isn't any reason beyond my control that I shouldn't be living that life I dreamed about.  that life I used to live.
So I've decided to live it.
and if you know me, and you read this... hold me to it.  Remind me always of who I said I was going to be, until I am fully that person. 

and something else... I miss hanging out with this guy:




and this girl: